Dreaming of You

Can I just say that Miles totally made my day today?

I love passing notes like we're in middle school... especially when they are that nice. :)

I can't get rid of you
I don't know what to do
I don't even know who is growing on who
'Cos everywhere I go you're there
Can't get you out of my hair
Can't pretend that I don't care - it's not fair

I'm being punished for all my offences
I wanna touch you but I'm afraid of the consequences
I wanna banish you from which you came
But you're part of me now
And I've only got myself to blame

You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
Any fool can see

Sleeping in an empty bed
Can't get you off my head
I won't have a life until you're dead
Yes, you heard what I said

I wanna shake you off but you just won't go
And you're all over me but I don't want anyone to know
That you're attached to me, that's how you've grown
Won't you leave me, leave me alone

You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
Any fool can see

You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)
You're really growing on me
(Or am I growing on you?)

I am so ready for a damn vacation. Also.. I was mistaken for a real member of teh training department at work today. Lol.

So, I've decided that Grandma might be onto something. Apparently, I am a fat, unmarriable slut with a big nose and I am destined to either be alone or treated like crap. Why? Because I love to go after things I know are bad for me.

And then there are people I think might be good for me and worth my while, and I freeze up and can't get past random flirting because I can;t believe that a nice guy might actually be interested in me. I figure those guys must be joking. Why wouldn't they be?

I don't know what is wrong with me. I have this mental or psychological block about all good things. I have so many self-destructive habits. I don't believe in anything, I never sleep. i think like a guy. I make tasteless jokes.

All I want is for someone that knows and accepts these things. That makes me feel like I am good and right and normal... or even special. Maybe even someone I can laugh with. But, I guess that's too much for me to ask for.

Sorry. I;ve just been feeling especially angsty lately. And tired. I think I just need to get drunk and bitch s9omeone out. Then I might feel better.

If she wants to dance and drink all night well there’s no one that can stop her.
She’s going til the house lights come up or her stomach spills onto the floor.
This night is gunna to end when we’re damn well ready for it to be over.
Worked all week long now the music is playing on our time.
Yeah we do what we do to get by, and then we need a release.

Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada
Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada
Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada

You get mixed up with the wrong guys.
You get messed up on the wrong drugs.
Sometimes the party takes you places that you didn’t really plan on going.
When people see the track marks on her arms she knows what they’re thinking.
She keeps on working for that minimum,
as if a high school education gave you any other options, you know.
They don’t know nothing about redemption.
They don’t know nothing about recovery.
Some people just aren't the type for marriage and family.

No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to sleep alone.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to sleep alone.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)

She’s out of step with the style.
She don’t know where the actions happening.
You know the downtown club scene ain't nothing like it used to be.
You reach a point where there’s not a lie in the world
that you could use to make the boys believe your still in you twenties.
But they keep getting younger,
Don't they baby.
She’s not waiting for someone to come over and ask for the privilege.
She can still hear that Rebel Yell just as loud as it was in 1983.
There ain't no Johnny coming home to share a bed with her and she doesn’t care.

No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to sleep alone.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to sleep alone.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)
No mother ever dreams that her daughter's going to grow up to be a junkie.(Ba ba ba, Ba ba babadada)

And if she had to live it all over again you know she wouldn’t change anything for the world.

So, I got my new laptop.. and I am really excited to finally have a computer again, rather than having to go over to my mom's house every time I have fucking homework.

Friends don't let friends do lots and lots of shots.

Bad things happen to good people.

Also.. someone stole the rum. Like, a whole bottle.

So... things are looking up. Or, at least glancing in an upward direction. Other than being sick, I have been doing pretty well lately.  And the romantic prospects are no longer quite so grim... maybe. This is an unfamiliar feeling.

Although.. I did almost die today. Elevator number 7 is a killer.

Has anyone else ever noticed that bad things all happen at once?

Seriously. I get some weird news about people I know, then I finally take my laptop in to get fixed and find out it would cost me less to replace the damn thing. Now, I am getting sick and irritated in general.

Yeah,

I think I'm getting sick.

Also, I am really tired of putting myself down and considering what I want, need, and deserve last of anyone. Fuck that.

What the hell? Men suck.... including the devil. Basically, the devil has been ass-raping me lately. Hellz yeah!

Life is getting to be pretty crazy lately. There is friend drama, as usual, but that is not what is at the forefront of my mind for once.

I am trying to figure out my own situation, and what I want out of life. With school, with my love life, with my family.... with pretty much everything. Maybe someday I will figure it all out.

At least work, for the most part, is going well... although I can't seem to figure out how they need 2 daytime training leads and they just got a new training assistant, and they promoted someone that didn't have training experience to TA instead of the original training lead (i.e. me). They had to train him twice as much, he still asks me for help with stuff, and now they have to train yet another lead. Couldn't they have promoted me and trained 2 leads? It would have saved them work and time, and made the most sense overall. Oh, well... stupid recruiting.

As for everything else? Fuck my life.

I have been putting more and more thought lately into the fact that I am not going to school for something that I have ever actually given a shit about. And I keep hearing from every angle that I am a born teacher... from people that never really knew me before now. It makes me want to transfer, change majors, and go back to plan A, but something is holding me back from actually doing it.. I have no idea what is doing it, but here I sit.

My love life? I thought I had that figured out, but now I have no idea. I guess I will just have to see what happens. And my family is the same as ever, only it seems to be getting even worse. The money drama with my mom and my dad's health issues seem to be escalating to a point that I don't know I can handle.

Sometimes, I just want to run away.. like I was going to after high school. Why I didn't is beyond me, but apparently it isn't too late. Or, at least, that is what I'm told. Wish me luck with everything.

Hopefully I will figure it out, and actually be happy for myself, instead of worrying about everyone else like I always do. Thanks to John for helping me realize that that's what I actually need to do.

You made a mistake
on the day that you met me
and lost your way
you saw all the signs
but you let it go
you closed your eyes

i shoulda told you to leave
cause i knew all the time you couldn't handle me
but you're hard to resist
when you're on your knees
begging me

i tear you down
i make you bleed
eternally
can't help myself
from hurting you
and its hurting me
i don't have wings
so flying with me won't be easy
cause im not an angel
im not an angel

hate being that wall
that you hit
when you feel like you gave it all
i hate taking the blame
when we both know that i'll never change

i tear you down
i make you bleed
eternally
can't help myself
from hurting you
and its hurting me
i don't have wings
so flying with me won't be easy
cause im not an angel
im not an angel

i wasn't always this way
i used to be the one with the halo
but that disappeared when i had my first taste
and fell from grace
it left me
in this place

well im starting to think
maybe you like it

i tear you down
i make you bleed
eternally
can't help myself
from hurting you
and its hurting me
i don't have wings
so flying with me won't be easy
cause im not an angel
im not an angel

(yeah)
(yeah)

im not an angel
im not an angel
im not an angel
im not an angel

It's been a terrible few days.. and I kind of want to call some people a fistful of assholes. Any takers?

I am getting so sick of supporting my family before myself. My mom and stepdad owe me about $4800 now... and that is a kind estimate, by the way. They have owed me most of that for over 3 years now.

Now they are getting $2500 from something or another, and they are NOT using it to pay me back. Instead, they are debating what else to do with the money. Fuck me twice and kill me... I am never going to see my money.

Dirty fucking fucks.

Does anyone else here ever wonder how some people are total assholes, never get caught, and wind up with everything.. while the rest of us are cursed with bad timing and good hearts?

I am SO SICK of being taken advantage of.

Nothing like an empty day
With nowhere to be
You're right there with me
Laughing as the world goes by
How we let it be
Moving way too fast

Cause when I'm with you I don't really care
What they all want me to be
I just want you beside me

Waste my time
Waste my time
Not so sure that I'll be yours
And baby you could be mine
It's all about
Hanging out
Cause you know how to waste my time

So... I got all moved into my NEW apartment today. It has all NEW furniture... including a NEW bed.

And... I am roommate free.

So... to all those who said I couldn't do it....

KISS MY ASS!

Thank you, and have a pleasant day.

So... things have been looking up for me. Last week was simultaneously the best and worst week of my life. Fortunately, it ended on a high note and I have been riding that wave ever since.

I had a job interview last Monday for a promotion... with a Monday through Friday schedule and more training responsibilities... not to mention an actual job title. So, I had to wait to hear about that at the same time I was waiting to hear about my apartment. And anyone that knows me knows how psychotic I get when I do not know exactly what is going on in my life at all times. I am completely neurotic and need to plan everything. Not to mention the fact that I am an overachiever and I wanted to hear about the job for personal gratification. I was so stressed out it was ridiculous.. and probably really comical to anyone watching and listening to me.


Anyway.. while all this was going on, my friends were fighting each other and I was once again the mediator. Nothing has been resolved yet, and it probably never will be, but I've accepted that and decided living my own life is more important.

Anyway... after what felt like forever and 8 days, I found out I got the job. The day after that, I found out I got the apartment. I can move in this week. I am so excited and thrilled that things are finally starting to happen for me. I can't wait to be back out of my mother's house and proving to myself and everyone who said otherwise that I can do ti on my own. This job helps with that a lot... and the Monday through Friday schedule is fantastic.

Just yayness.. all around.